Strap them into the cart. No, I don’t care how old they are. I notice that some of you put them in the basket part of the cart when they’re too big for the seatie. My preference is that you tie them to the front of the cart. On the outside. No, really. It’s legal.
And don’t let them use the karaoke machine. Come to think of it, you don’t use it, either.
No babies. I want to avoid any unnecessary tragedies. You might mistakenly leave the kid and take home a sack of potatoes. And we both know that sacks of potatoes don’t scream or go in their diaper. However, the kids do have more flavor…
Speaking of eating, if you’re hungry, what on earth are you doing here? (Oh, I'm sorry, I meant to say enjoy the free food samples. Just don’t block the aisles!) And, for heaven’s sake, show some class. Don’t take more than one sample. Besides, do you really need to sample the ice cream? Guess what? It tastes like ice cream! They really should put up a full length mirror near these displays.
And let’s face it, there’s gonna be a line for the good stuff. If you don’t want to wait, all you’re getting is a cracker or a piece of dried fruit. And I really don’t want you to wait. You’re just going to get in the way. So here’s an option: DON”T HAVE ANY SAMPLES. Don’t worry, you’ll make it home alive, unless you run into me.
The Reading Aisle:
If, while in the book section, you insist on actually reading an entire book, at least move your cart out of the way so that some of us can see the odd cover or two. I know a guy who making his way through Harry Potter this way. He’s up to Goblet of Fire.
What Dress Code?:
And ladies, don’t dress up. Especially the high heels. You're not going out on the town. You're buying 50 pounds of cat litter. I know these seem like very similar activities but just trust me on this.
And I realize that when you actually are going out dancing, men make the opposite mistake. They/we dress like we’re going to Costco. But that’s whole other post.
And if you’re dropping by after work, take off your ID. Otherwise, people will think you work there, and ask you where the DVDs are. (Aisle 7. And by the way, haven’t you ever heard of Netflix?).
And it won’t kill you to walk on the down escalator. No, your cart won’t come down any faster, but we'll all look a little less like cattle.
Next: Common Aisle Courtesy, or, Get Out of My Way