Containing, among other things, my humble effort to bring my fellow fifty(ish) year olds up to date on some current, and frankly, not so current, pop music.
My family can never decide which BBQ place we like better - Dinosaur BBQ or Morgan’s. It always seems to be the one where we’re eating at the time.
So when I finally decided to take the plunge with the Baltimore duo Beach House - a band that’s been around since 2006 - I made up for lost time by taking two.
And now I keep jumping back and forth between the two, trying to decide which one is my favorite.
For a while, I couldn’t even tell which song was on which album. Then I developed a mental shorthand which told me if the production was lush, it was Bloom, and if it was weird and haunting it was Teen Dream.
And now after about twenty listens each I can I can finally tell which album a given song is from.
And after thirty listens each I think I can finally form an opinion.
After being disappointed by Speedy Ortiz, going through genre fatigue with jazz and classical, and getting worn down by the news, it was nice to hear something gentle and a little weird.
Part of the weirdness is the sparse but spacious production and Victoria Legrand’s almost-baritone vocals. The effect is of being greeted at the entrance of a castle by a very old woman. You wonder who you’re going to meet there. Boris Karloff or Peter Boyle?
We end up with both, who are getting on well and talking about old times. So everyone ends up having a lovely time.
The overall atmosphere goes a long way, and makes up for the tunes not quite holding up to the very end. (But I’m listening to it right now and the tunes seem just fine. And maybe it's Bloom that's a bit too slick…)
But most importantly, it was just what I needed at the time.
We went to a local “bistro” (you know the kind, interesting sounding food, small portions, no tablecloth, too expensive). In such a straight neighborhood, it was a relief to find something even slightly funky, though.
The service was friendly, and the atmosphere laid back. We were having a good time until we noticed how disappointing the music was. It wasn’t the awful Easy Listening a la Air Supply, etc., but it was a litany of the most overplayed hits of the seventies. Why, after all this time, are we still hearing this shit?
So I say that it’s time we made a list – the Don’t Play That Song list - and send it to every radio station on earth. Let’s start with Classic Rock, because it's been around so long now that the overplayed songs are especially grievous offenders. (Plus, I don’t know the names of the ones that aren’t Classic Rock.)
And lest you feel I’m picking on some otherwise worthy artists, allow me to explain that overplaying their hits is actually unfair to them. Every time you hear one of these songs you’re missing an equally good other song by that very same artist. Let’s not even get into other artists who deserved some of the limelight but never got it because the radio station was too busy playing... well, any of these songs for the 10,000th time.
Of course, there are some artists who sucked from the get-go and they're overplayed songs are the best they can manage. They’re like your talkative aunt or strange uncle. We’re stuck with them, but we don’t go out of our way to see them.
The songs below are so well known I won’t even name the bands. And I offer some alternatives by those same artists. I’m NOT saying the alternatives are better (although in some cases they are), nor am I saying that the songs are bad (although some are).
C'mon, if you give this even two minute's thought, you could come up with your own list. Here’s mine:
The Obvious:
“Stairway to Heaven”:
No surprise here, really. I’ve done such a good job of ignoring this song over the years, that it almost sounds okay again now. But not quite.
Instead, try this one: “That’s the Way”
“Margaritaville”
I like Jimmy Buffett almost as much as the next drunk, but this well-written song is every sixty-something's excuse to not seek out a thousand other equally good songs.
Almost anything else by Jimmy deserves your attention.
“Free Bird”
This one is just too freaking long, especially the live version, the ending of which is ridiculous. If you’ve just got to request a song at a concert, show some imagination. Make it “Whippin’ Post”.
But if it’s got to be Skynyrd, make it “Whiskey Rock n Roller” or “Tuesday’s Gone”.
Less Obvious, Just as Annoying:
“Listen to the Music”
Please don’t. It was 1972 and already a long way from the sixties. Ushering in an age of lowered expectations four years before Jimmy Carter. Not bad. Just a grim reminder of how uninteresting things can get. “Without You” rocks a lot more, even if they were still waiting for a good singer to show up.
“Summer Breeze”
This one is so overplayed it literally hurts when it comes on. I still like the bridge, but the verse, chorus and guitar-riff take up too much collective space in our brains. Anyone who voluntarily plays it should be flogged. “Ridin Thumb” is a weird little alternative.
By the way, these last two songs were played back to back at an otherwise wonderful seafood place in the Village recently. (Yes, all my traumatic musical episodes occur while eating out.) Yet more crap followed so I came to suspect they were being ironic. We visited their sister restaurant a few years ago, where they had a knockout playlist of 60s music. What the hell happened?!
“Heart of Gold”
Et tu, Neil? How about “New Mama” from Harvest’s polar opposite Tonight’s the Night.
“I Wanna Be Sedated”
Yeah, it’s great, but as their commercial break through it allowed normal people to feel cool by liking them. There are dozens of other equally brilliant Ramones songs, and I can guarantee you won’t hear them at a wedding, like “Cretin Hop”. But just about anything from the first four albums would do.
But this relatively anti-social "Beat on the Brat" will do. (Don't worry, I played it around the kids and they turned out fine. Sort of.)
“You Better You Bet”
Come on. This song kind of sucks. You know it. I know it. The only reason we even know this song exists is because the Who did it. It would never pass the If Someone Unknown Did It test.
Try just about anything before Tommy, Like “Relax”, from The Who Sell Out, which is, by the way, the greatest album of all time. (Yeah, I said it.)
“Against the Wind”
Also, “Like a Rock”, or anything involving nature. Bob's a city boy, so let's go with his best song ever. “Main Street”
“Refugee”
It sounded good the first time I heard it, okay the next second time. But that was it. The next 10,000 times occurred in the 80s, and it epitomizes all that’s wrong with Tom Petty. He thinks he’s better than he is. He invests a lot of feeling in a pretty unoriginal song.
Go with most of “Full Moon Fever” or my favorite, “Shadow of a Doubt (Complex Kid)”
“Tempted”
Not anymore.
Try “Up the Junction”, which will rip your heart out.
“Tainted Love”
I'm breaking my rule here. This song sucked from the get-go, and the idea that anyone could extract any joy from it is beyond my comprehension. This is what they mean when they say that white guys have no rhythm. And I oughtta know.
The original - sung by a female - has more balls.
Repeat Offenders:
Billy Joel:
BJ manages a Trifecta here:
“Piano Man” - I can still get through it with the help of the words, but JESUS.
“It’s Still Rock and Roll To Me” - Pure BS (again, I ought to know) from someone who didn’t get punk/new wave. He should stick to pop, which he’s actually good at.
“You May Be Right” – This one makes me sick. I hate self-described “crazy” people. If you think you are, you’re not. You're boring.
I could go on about “Just the Way You Are”, “Big Shot”, “Movin’ Out”. It just goes on and on.
Instead, try "Summer, Highland Falls", "And So It Goes", “James”, “I’ve Loved These Days” or this great one from Streetlife Serenade.
The Eagles:
Really, the entire Eagles oeuvre is pretty tired, except for some overlooked gems on the first three albums. But the dead horses are:
“Take It Easy” - Good at the time, but I just can’t take it anymore. I feel like I’m listening to the skeleton of a song.
“Lyin Eyes” - Basta!
“Life In the Fast Lane” - The only difference between Fast Laners and Low Lifes is money.
“Hotel California” I can admit now, after all these years, that this is not a bad song, but it isn’t nearly as good as it thinks it is.
I much prefer "Nightingale", "Tryin'" and "Bitter Creek".
Evil Jaybee says that any DJ who consciously puts on one of these songs really should be shot. The kinder, gentler Jaybee just wishes they’d find another line of work.
In looking at the above it’s amazing that there are no Beatles songs on it. I was about to say there are no Stones songs either, but I just thought of a few:
“Angie”
“Start Me Up”
“It’s Only Rock n Roll”
Which just goes to show it can happen to the almost best.
So my advice Mr. DJ - if you still exist (probably not, so okay Mr. Radio Programmer) is that every time you want to play one of the above songs, take the fucking hint, okay?
