Costco Rules: Rule #4 - Checking Out, or, Getting Out Alive

The Check Out Line:

Management should consider having more than one cashier when the line has reached the tire section.  Or when customers start eating the rotisserie chickens – or each other – while waiting.

But you can help speed things up by having your ID and credit card ready.  The little old ladies who wait until everything is rung up before searching their purse for money won’t make it here.  I believe it’s called justifiable homicide.

And I do mean a credit card, by the way.  Cash payers are idiots.  Have you ever been stuck behind one when they don’t have enough cash?  I did, but since he was two feet taller than me, and didn’t look like he appreciated good sarcasm, I kept my mouth shut.

And be efficient in how you place items on the check out conveyor belt.  When packed snugly, they really don’t have to take up that much room.  However, when placed end to end, the total length exceeds the distance from the earth to the sun. 

The Parking Lot:

In the parking lot, try to keep out of the way of the moving cars, especially mine.  So don’t walk down the middle of the lane.  I'd hate for you to get run over, because an ambulance would block my way to the exit.

 And yet paradoxically, don’t stand directly behind a car that’s backing out of a spot.  You could get run over twice – once by me backing out, and then again when I complete my turn.  It might look suspicious.

I’m ambivalent about where to return your cart.  You can return it to the corral, or leave it near your car.  Either way works.  Just don’t leave it behind my car. 

In From the Cold:

On the drive home, you begin to relax.  The satisfaction for having finished your Christmas shopping, or securing needed supplies for your family has washed over you.

But just then, you slam on the brakes because the driver in front of you maneuvers his car much like he pushes his cart.  The apple pie you so carefully secured atop the cat litter is sliding off and landing top down on your back seat, where you threw that bottle of conditioner.  The pump breaks through the pie’s protective cellophane and squirts a repeat rinse’s worth directly below the crust.  But that doesn’t matter, because the pie filling is now easing its way into the fabric of your back seat.  The loaf of bread that rested atop the pie has fallen next to the cat litter, which has tipped over, and landed on top of it.  The bread is now in its original dough shape and size before baking.  (Note to self: Try microwaving to restore to original size.) 

But it’s okay.  That stuff was just blocking your view through the back windshield anyway.  It’s now time to go home and bask in the warmth of your family’s gratitude.

There’s no spot in front of the house.  You’ll have to double park, or walk half a block with your neighbors getting an intimate view of your toiletries.  You double park.

You gallantly grab the heaviest item – the 50 pound sack of dog food - before the rest of the family comes out to help.

Your wife greets you lovingly:

“That’s the wrong dog food.”

But it’s all academic now, because the dog just ran past you into the busy street.  For some reason, you’re okay with this.

“I needed shampoo, not conditioner,” your daughter says, as she runs past you, after the dog.  (Your son didn’t want either, especially in his favorite pie.)  You admit to yourself that she may have mentioned this to you.  Your wife and son follow her, muttering words like douchebag, jackass, and nitwit, but they are soon drowned out by screeching breaks, yelling and barking.  The epithets resume but this time they are directed at a driver who took umbrage at the dog crossing against the light.  You decide that it’s the dog food that requires your immediate attention.  Once you’ve brought that in, you get the beer, then the cat litter, the copy paper and finally the four cases of soda.  Your wife, son and daughter return with the dog.  One of them grabs the napkins.

“You remembered to pick up your favorite ice cream, right?” your wife asks.  “Remember, we finished it last night?”  Something in your expression tells her to put everything else away for you.

An hour or two later, you’re alone.  They’ve all gone out for some reason.  You finally sit down to relax when you notice a smell coming from the kitchen.  The frozen chicken wings are still sitting on the counter, and they're beyond thawed - more like a soup, really.  You want to clean up but can’t find any of the paper towels you just bought.

 

A few minutes later you look for a beer.  You know you have 20 because only four hit the floor when the cardboard handle ripped.  But there are none in the fridge.  You do find the paper towels there, though.  Your son later explains that there was no room for the paper towels in the pantry.  Several days later, long after your urge for one has passed, you do find the beer – in the pantry.

Welcome home.  Time to start a new list.

Costco Rules: Rule #3 - Basically, Get Out of My Way

I could give you all sorts of reasons for the following, but what it really boils down to is that it's much safer for all of us if you just let me by.

Okay, first, write out a damned list.  You don’t have to use it.  Just look at it occasionally so that I don’t think you’re just winging it. 

And get out of the way.  This applies particularly to when you first enter the store.  Don’t stop and stare right at the door.  There are a thousand shoppers right behind you.  Get a move on.  It’s not the Emerald City.  That annoyed looking person behind you is me.

And as long as you’re getting out of the way, remember that cart?  Get that out of the way, too.  Don’t leave it in the middle of the aisle.  Don’t double park it.  Don’t park it next to you while you stare at the shelves.  And don’t, don’t leave it in the middle of an intersection.  If you do any of these things, it means years in purgatory.  (Really.  It says so on your receipt.)  And if you leave the cart there unattended, you are going to hell. 

And if you insist on blocking the aisle, be warned.  I AM coming through.  If you’re there, I’ll say “excuse me” twice, the second time even more sarcastically than the first.  If you’re not there, I will move your cart to another floor, and maybe out into traffic. 

Do leave it right up against the shelves.  If I need something, I’ll move it out of the way.  As a matter of fact, I recommend leaving your cart out of the way at the end of the aisle.  Yes, you can carry that case of copy paper all the way down the aisle.

No wandering aimlessly, and no doubling back with the cart.  If you failed to pick something up, you’re out of luck.  You should have checked your list, which, ideally, is sorted by aisle.  You can get the toilet paper the next time you’re here.  (Okay, you may double back later, but without the cart.  If you can carry the copy paper, you're ready to carry the big screen TV.)

When you’ve changed your mind about something you picked up, go and put it back where it belongs.  Don’t leave thawing bag of chicken wings with the gardening supplies.   Maybe this situation could have been avoided if you had spent a little more time on that shopping list?...

Next: Reading, Riding, Other Stuff

Costco Rules: Rule #2 - Kids and Other Annoyances

Kids:

Strap them into the cart.  No, I don’t care how old they are.  I notice that some of you put them in the basket part of the cart when they’re too big for the seatie.  My preference is that you tie them to the front of the cart.  On the outside.  No, really.  It’s legal.

And don’t let them use the karaoke machine.  Come to think of it, you don’t use it, either.

No babies.  I want to avoid any unnecessary tragedies.  You might mistakenly leave the kid and take home a sack of potatoes.  And we both know that sacks of potatoes don’t scream or go in their diaper.  However, the kids do have more flavor…

Eating Kids:

Sorry.  Typo.

Speaking of eating, if you’re hungry, what on earth are you doing here?  (Oh, I'm sorry, I meant to say enjoy the free food samples.  Just     don’t     block     the     aisles!)  And, for heaven’s sake, show some class.  Don’t take more than one sample.  Besides, do you really need to sample the ice cream?  Guess what?  It tastes like ice cream!  They really should put up a full length mirror near these displays.

And let’s face it, there’s gonna be a line for the good stuff.  If you don’t want to wait, all you’re getting is a cracker or a piece of dried fruit.  And I really don’t want you to wait.  You’re just going to get in the way.  So here’s an option:  DON”T HAVE ANY SAMPLES.  Don’t worry, you’ll make it home alive, unless you run into me.

The Reading Aisle:

If, while in the book section, you insist on actually reading an entire book, at least move your cart out of the way so that some of us can see the odd cover or two.  I know a guy who making his way through Harry Potter this way.  He’s up to Goblet of Fire.

What Dress Code?:

And ladies, don’t dress up.  Especially the high heels.  You're not going out on the town.  You're buying 50 pounds of cat litter.  I know these seem like very similar activities but just trust me on this.  

And I realize that when you actually are going out dancing, men make the opposite mistake.  They/we dress like we’re going to Costco.  But that’s whole other post.

Proper Identification:

And if you’re dropping by after work, take off your ID.  Otherwise, people will think you work there, and ask you where the DVDs are.  (Aisle 7.  And by the way, haven’t you ever heard of Netflix?).

Moo:

And it won’t kill you to walk on the down escalator.  No, your cart won’t come down any faster, but we'll all look a little less like cattle.

Next: Common Aisle Courtesy, or, Get Out of My Way

Costco Rules: Rule #1 – Shopping Carts

First, you will need a cart. Did you think you’d be carrying that flat screen TV on your back?

Next, get your own. Yeah, you. That’s my Nexium you’re tossing out during your attempted cart-jacking. Thought I wasn’t looking didn’t you? Now put it back, and step away from my cart.

Then, to prevent yours from being stolen (I wouldn’t dream of it), I recommend putting something heavy into it immediately, even if you don’t intend to buy it. This will discourage the potential cart-jacker. This is more for the Home Depot crowd where cart jacking has hit epidemic proportions. I had my cart stolen twice in one shopping trip. First, by the lady who removed the (not heavy enough) potted plant I threw in there. She acted all innocent when I caught her red handed. The second time was while I was distracted by a bright fellow who asked if the propane tanks that came with the barbeques came filled. (He was having trouble starting the one he bought the day before.) After I broke it to him, I turned to find my cart gone. I think he was the husband of potted plant lady.

Stores that continue to use carts with broken wheels should be boycotted/sued/burned down, or something equally reasonable. Why, you ask? Have you ever pushed a cart filled so high with dog food, cat litter and beer that you can’t see what’s in front of you? You push and push and push, but since the cart is veering rightward, when you stop to clear any pedestrians from your wheels, you find not only that you’ve given yourself a back spasm, but that you’ve gone in a complete circle? This is a true story. (Well, it should be.) I should send them the bill for my MRI.

Ditto carts that screech or rattle. Beyond the obvious reasons, they are also an atrocity because they announce your presence at the store. If it’s one of the better stores, it’s not so much of a problem. However if it’s K-mart, where start questioning your own humanity within minutes of getting there, meeting someone you know is akin to running into them at an AA meeting. It could be consoling or humiliating, depending on what you think of them in the first place.

The other problem is that I don’t want you to know that I bought the store brand tissues. It screams cheapskate, or financial trouble. It may even cast suspicion on your birthday gift which we put in the Coach box. Okay, it was a knock off, but you didn’t need to know that.


Next: Rule #2 - Kids

Costco Rules: Behind the Iron Curtain

Well, behind the chain linked fence of the parking lot, anyway.

You’ve been dropped off in hostile territory. All around you are seemingly ordinary people. Yet potential enemies lurk amongst them. And even those who are not outright foes have agendas that conflict with yours. If it comes down it - a choice between them and you - you know what they’ll do. You must be prepared to do the same. The normal rules of civilization don’t apply.

Today, Costco Rules are in effect.

Okay, it’s not quite like that, but you are somewhere you definitely don’t want to be - the local superstore. It could be worse - you could be at the local Pathmark, where it’s every man (the women are worse, and don’t turn your back on the old ladies) for himself. Here at Costco, you can assume a certain modicum of decency, if not compassion.

Strangely enough, there are people who actually like being here. You, on the other hand, harbor delusions of having a life, and so would like to get in and out as quickly as possible. You want to savor those hours of discretionary time you’ve earned, but have somehow unwittingly committed several of them to the acquisition/storage of crap.

And there are also the people who, if they can’t actually accomplish something themselves, are only too happy to thwart your attempts. They wander through the aisles like tourists, wreaking all kinds of havoc. Don’t let their blank expressions fool you. They’re enjoying this.

So next are some of the rules for surviving the mega store. Admittedly, they won’t make the difference between life and death, unless of course, they prevent you from blowing your brains out, if only to avoid the slow torture of the checkout line.

Next: Rule #1 – Shopping Carts