Wednesday, November 24, 2010

Costco Rules: Behind the Iron Curtain

Well, behind the chain linked fence of the parking lot, anyway.

You’ve been dropped off in hostile territory. All around you are seemingly ordinary people. Yet potential enemies lurk amongst them. And even those who are not outright foes have agendas that conflict with yours. If it comes down it - a choice between them and you - you know what they’ll do. You must be prepared to do the same. The normal rules of civilization don’t apply.

Today, Costco Rules are in effect.

Okay, it’s not quite like that, but you are somewhere you definitely don’t want to be - the local superstore. It could be worse - you could be at the local Pathmark, where it’s every man (the women are worse, and don’t turn your back on the old ladies) for himself. Here at Costco, you can assume a certain modicum of decency, if not compassion.

Strangely enough, there are people who actually like being here. You, on the other hand, harbor delusions of having a life, and so would like to get in and out as quickly as possible. You want to savor those hours of discretionary time you’ve earned, but have somehow unwittingly committed several of them to the acquisition/storage of crap.

And there are also the people who, if they can’t actually accomplish something themselves, are only too happy to thwart your attempts. They wander through the aisles like tourists, wreaking all kinds of havoc. Don’t let their blank expressions fool you. They’re enjoying this.

So next are some of the rules for surviving the mega store. Admittedly, they won’t make the difference between life and death, unless of course, they prevent you from blowing your brains out, if only to avoid the slow torture of the checkout line.

Next: Rule #1 – Shopping Carts

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