Thursday, November 25, 2010

Costco Rules: Rule #1 – Shopping Carts

First, you will need a cart. Did you think you’d be carrying that flat screen TV on your back?

Next, get your own. Yeah, you. That’s my Nexium you’re tossing out during your attempted cart-jacking. Thought I wasn’t looking didn’t you? Now put it back, and step away from my cart.

Then, to prevent yours from being stolen (I wouldn’t dream of it), I recommend putting something heavy into it immediately, even if you don’t intend to buy it. This will discourage the potential cart-jacker. This is more for the Home Depot crowd where cart jacking has hit epidemic proportions. I had my cart stolen twice in one shopping trip. First, by the lady who removed the (not heavy enough) potted plant I threw in there. She acted all innocent when I caught her red handed. The second time was while I was distracted by a bright fellow who asked if the propane tanks that came with the barbeques came filled. (He was having trouble starting the one he bought the day before.) After I broke it to him, I turned to find my cart gone. I think he was the husband of potted plant lady.

Stores that continue to use carts with broken wheels should be boycotted/sued/burned down, or something equally reasonable. Why, you ask? Have you ever pushed a cart filled so high with dog food, cat litter and beer that you can’t see what’s in front of you? You push and push and push, but since the cart is veering rightward, when you stop to clear any pedestrians from your wheels, you find not only that you’ve given yourself a back spasm, but that you’ve gone in a complete circle? This is a true story. (Well, it should be.) I should send them the bill for my MRI.

Ditto carts that screech or rattle. Beyond the obvious reasons, they are also an atrocity because they announce your presence at the store. If it’s one of the better stores, it’s not so much of a problem. However if it’s K-mart, where start questioning your own humanity within minutes of getting there, meeting someone you know is akin to running into them at an AA meeting. It could be consoling or humiliating, depending on what you think of them in the first place.

The other problem is that I don’t want you to know that I bought the store brand tissues. It screams cheapskate, or financial trouble. It may even cast suspicion on your birthday gift which we put in the Coach box. Okay, it was a knock off, but you didn’t need to know that.

Next: Rule #2 - Kids

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