Sunday, June 26, 2011

The Geezer’s Guide to Dan Brown

I don't know why, but I always seem to read Dan Brown in the large print editions. It just works out that way. And when you factor in all the funny looking pictures he gives you, it’s almost like reading a children's book. An unfair characterization, especially coming from me, since I never figure out the clues hidden in the symbols. (Figuring out how a marching band can morph from the “OHIO STATE” formation into “OH SHIT!” is more my speed.)

Take Angels and Demons (please), which was as big as two bricks but not nearly as heavy. Even though I’m a notoriously slow reader (I barely get through a line before a new Burger King commercial catches my eye.) I read it in a weekend. Yet, I still feel somewhat shortchanged.

Still, one thing you have to give Dan Brown is that he’s fun. Good clean silly fun, disguised as serious fun. He even seems a little edgy when he goes up against Religions With No Sense of Humor that I’m a member of but that shall go unnamed (begins with a C).

And for me, possessor of at least a dozen pairs of cheap reading glasses (you can get good cheap ones at my old nemesis, Costco) the large type adds immensely to the fun. It’s not that the large type allows me to read without them. I’m a little too far gone for that. But when I put the glasses on and read the large type, it’s not just the fonts that appear huge. The silliness factor itself seems to multiply. The exclamation points become humungous. And, believe me, there are a lot of them.

Now before you go thinking I'm some kind of snob, let me explain that I'm an equal opportunity disdainer - I don't care if it's Shakespeare, if I hate it, I hate it. And if all I’m looking for is a good time, who am I to blame Dan when he provides it? Sometimes even unintentionally, like this line from The Lost Symbol:

"He stood beneath the frigid water for a full minute to close his pores and trap the heat and energy within his core."

Okay, I know the character's supposed to be a nut, and Dan's just writing it from his point of view, but, Jesus, where the hell is his core? He spends a lot of time walking around naked, so you have many opportunities to ponder the possibilities. By they way, do you have a core? Do I? If I do, please don't tell me.

But by all means read one of these books. If you have to, go for two. But for heaven’s sake, don’t read three. I did, and I really want that weekend back. But I kid. A&D wasn’t bad. It’s just when you read three or more Dan Brown’s you risk a case of terminal silliness. I’m not going anywhere near Deception Point.

My advice is to go with The DaVinci Code for the cool concept and smooth execution. You can skip Angels and Demons, which is practically the same book, plot-wise. The Lost Symbol isn’t bad, and it’s got the wildest bad guy (who’s really no more over the top than Hannibal Lecter in Hannibal, core and all). Plus, the mixture of American and Masonic history is a blast. (I was feeling inferior to those smart-ass Europeans after reading DaVinci. Seems like our guys were just as crafty as those bastards. In your face, Rennaissance! USA! USA! USA!)



Sorry about that. The silliness is contagious…

Sunday, June 12, 2011

Jaybee Has Risen from the Grave, or Nutboy Saves the Day


So there I was at my son’s Pre-Prom Parent’s We-Hope-They-Don’t-Have-Sex get together, when Nutboy snuck up on me.  I had spotted him earlier, and was on my guard.  But I let my guard down (i.e., stuffed my face) and before I knew it, there he was standing right next to me.

I had met Nutboy previously but didn’t realize it at the time, because he was disguised as his alter ego – Responsible Adult.  But then I found out that he liked music that an actual Responsible Adult would never listen to, like Modest Mouse and My Morning Jacket.

But on this night he would reveal his true identity – Nutboy, middle aged music fanatic– in other words, a guy just like me, only better looking.  Now I don’t want you thinking that this is just my fanciful way of describing myself.  You know those movies where the narrator describes a character who turns out to be him?  I must state clearly that this is not me.  This is another human being, very similar to me.  And that thought just brings chills.

So we begin chatting and it turns out he also likes bands like the Go Betweens and the Flaming Lips.  He even likes obscure Bob Dylan songs (you know the ones that cause your spouse to roll their eyes?)!
Then we started going on about how very few of our friends share our enthusiasm.  I said that someone really ought to try to bring these people up to speed.  You know, do a blog or something.  Then I remembered that I was already doing that, but I hadn’t been doing anything with it for a while…  Why?  It’s a long story, and really, who cares?

But essentially, Nutboy reminded me of why I began blogging (aside from the narcissism) in the first place.  And in one of life’s great ironies, Nutboy OF COURSE finds the link to the blog in my email signature, and starts reading my blog without me even telling him about it.  Him being the one person who is in the least need of it.  So that shows me that maybe another reason to do it is to make people like me (and Nutboy) feel like they’re not….well, nuts.
We met again at the Post-Prom Oh-My-God-We-Think-They-Had-Sex Dinner, where I met his fiance, who had the same patient, enduring expression that I sometimes see on my wife’s face (usually when I talk about what Built to Spill CD I should get…)  But that may have been my fault because I think I was asking Nutboy what Built to Spill CD I should get. 
We found the women drinking at the bar several hours later.  We hadn’t decided on the best BTS album yet, but they told me what I could do with it once I got it. 

In any event, jaybee is back, or will be back, or will try to be back, or something very committed sounding like that.  I have to be, what with Nutboy now breathing down my neck, and maybe thinking of starting his own blog.  

So rest easy.  I’m back.  Or not - I don’t know.

See you soon.  

Maybe.