Sunday, July 31, 2011

Comics Relief, Part 5: The Thrilling Anti-Climax

In the shocking climax of our legendary last episode, Jaybee revealed that perhaps, after four long drawn out posts about his comic obsession, he may not be crazy after all. We've been eavesdropping outside his "doctor's" office just for fun, and hoping to find out something even more embarrassing.

Alas, it's been an exercise of diminishing returns, as Jaybee seems only slightly more pathetic that he did three posts ago.

We are now contemplating reasons why we shouldn't kick the shit out of him for wasting our time. But there are still some Tostito's left, so we'll finish them first.

Oh, yeah. Stay tuned for…oh, who gives a rat's ass, anyway?

Jaybee: So I’ve come full circle.

Doctor: Christ I hate it when patients say that. All it means is that they’ve just figured out that they’re going in circles. I could have told them that!

Jaybee: What I’m trying to say, doctor, is that with “Marvel Civil War”, I read a whole bunch of comics, felt like I got about half the story, and ran out of time and energy before pursuing it any further. And I’m certain I’ve missed some absolutely legendary issues. Kind of like 45 years ago.

I’d like to say that I’m done - that I’m past all these foolish things. But I’d be lying. Because if they provide joy in any form – be it an old TV show or a comic book - they’re not foolish at all.

Comics were great in the sixties, and then slowly began to suck again. That’s okay. It’s just entropy. But then comics took a giant step forward in the eighties with “The Dark Knight”, “Watchmen” and many, many others that someone smarter than me could name. The stories are darker and considerably more violent. All in all, they’re as good as they ever were. If anything, it’s too big an ocean for me to swim in. I’ve already got too many books still to read. So I’ve got to be particular about my time.

One of the great strides comics have made since I was a kid, is the far greater number of female super heroes. Isn’t it wonderful that young girls had heroes in a formerly male dominated genre blah, blah, blah? (The tight fitting costumes and incredible bodies don’t hurt, either.)

So doctor, to quote the Elephant Man (No, not a super hero in the traditional sense) I say to you, I am not an animal!!! I am a man? Okay, forget that. I’ll settle for not an animal.

And besides, what are those millions of adults in movie theaters doing watching “Captain America”, “The Green Lantern” and “Thor” doing if not reading comic books, except without the actual reading? It’s one thing for a grown man, if there is such a thing, to say the words “Doc Oc” and “Silver Surfer”, but grown women? Come on. How nuts can I be?

I supposed I can take one alleged step up on the popular culture evolutionary scale and rent “Land of the Giants” DVDs, if for nothing else, to see if Deanna Lund could possibly have been as good looking as I remember.

And to see if they make it back to Earth.

Doctor: Well our time is just about up… As you said, I’m SURE you’re completely cured. But if you think of any other…enthusiasms, like Tonka Toys or Martchbox Cars, and would like to schedule a follow up appointment…

John: Well, we just saw the Monkees in concert…

Doctor: Don’t worry. Everybody likes the Monkees. I was there, too.

Jaybee leaves the doctor’s office, passing several patients, asleep by the door, and heads for the boat off of Shutter Island.

Next time: Jaybee revisits an old nemesis – trying to understand music – and, as usual, fails.

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